IF I DIE TODAY

Pregnant at fourteen years old, a mother at fifteen. Still today at twenty-seven years old, when someone that doesn’t know me finds out that I have daughters, they always ask their age and then they stay silent for a few seconds. I already know what they are thinking. Like damn, why does it matter to you? They do the math and then respond with “WOW. You started early”.

I started early?

Like– can I just let this out to you guys? Can ya’ll let me vent ? Because I have been dying to say this..

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I STARTED EARLY?!

Do you really think I wanted to become pregnant at the age of fourteen years old? Do you really think I asked for that? And especially by a man that I barely fucking knew? I am sorry for my language but bear with me as I let out my years long rage. Thats the shit with people man. You talk about lifting each other up and all lives matter, but as soon as someone fucks up or does something that you didn’t do or that you think its not accepted, or that you dont value, they are automatically stigmatized and now what, they are less worthy of you ? They are not capable like you ? Because I became a mother when I was still a child, even though I did not ask for it, my life is automatically over? I can no longer chase my dreams? I ain’t shit? Man. Get the fuck up out of here with that bullshit.

I wasn’t going to let anyone make me someone that I am not. I wasn’t going to let any one or anything stop me from chasing my dreams. If anything, i’m chasing quicker, if anything, i’m going harder. Shit wasn’t a walk in the park, and it still isn’t, but what is ? I deserved to be cared for, and valued, and not be treated the way that I was. It didn’t happen that way, but it’s all good. To all the young moms and women who find themselves in a position in life where others constantly judge you for where you are, where you’ve been or think they know your future , whether your a teenage mother, a stripper, a bartender, work at Dunkin Donuts, Walmart, dont work at all, or anything that others judge you for. Man, listen to me, ITS ALL GOOD. Let em. Let them think what they want. Let them think what they want, hold your head up high and believe. Believe in yourself. Because if you dont, no one else will. Believe that you can and will create the life that YOU choose to create for yourself and/or children.Dont let them tell you that your life is over. Dont let them tell you that you are not good enough. Dont let them tell you that you’re too young or too old. Dont let them compare you to other woman and make you feel like you are no where capable of being a hell of a woman your damn self. Dont let them make you think that you are settling. Dont let them make you feel ugly. Dont let them tell you that it isn’t about you anymore when your pregnant. Dont let your parents intimidate you by telling you that you are on your own because they are not helping with babysitting. Dont let them intimidate you and make you believe that you dont got what it takes to be able to financially hold shit down and continue your education or business at the same time. You got to play the fool, to play the fool.

MAN do I got stories to tell ya’ll! Cant wait for my other blogs. Just know that I heard it all sis. From my own family, from those I thought were my real family. From everyone. They would knock me down but I continued to get back up. They made sure to remind me every single time that they were better than me. That they had more than me. They made sure to remind me every single time how shameful of a female I was. They didn’t believe in me. They laughed at me. They hit me. They set me up. They felt joy off my trials and tribulations. They said I could never live on my own, they said I’d always be broke, the boys I thought liked me, really had their mind set on strictly trying to fuck me. They would play with my feelings and never take me serious. I had no chance smh. I got my job at the hospital and they hated strong! Someone wrote a fake letter about me saying that I violated HIPAA and sent it to human resources so that they could fire me. That didn’t work out for them of course. They made sure to find anything less than ideal for them to point out about my daughters in order to label me as an unfit mother. They laughed when I said I was going to nursing school. I can really go on forever.

What happened instead?

I have been living lovely on my own since my teenage years and I have never fell off. I am a valued hospital employee doing what I so very much love every day. I started make 1k a week at only 19 years old. I studied my ass off and got on the deans list every semester. I got into the nursing program and now I am 1 semester away from being a senior in that four year nursing program. My kids are the happiest, healthy, and it’s been 3 years that I have had them in a private school. Shits hard for sure. But I am obsessed with the hustle. I am always busy. I am always losing my damn mind, but I always, always come through for myself. I look better than I did 10 years ago. Shits possible. Believe me. But dont expect the haters to go away. They will still tell you that you cant do it. They will tell you NO a million of times. They will try to project their fears onto you persistently.

Let it motivate you.

Those same people are always the same ones to tell you congratulations, forreal. Happens to me all of the time and I am just getting started. They are always the first to keep up with my life. The first to know my business. The ones waiting for me to fall. The men that looked at me from their dicks instead of from their hearts now want to “wife” me and tell me how “different and special” I am. They offer me vacations and all the purses, jewelry and money in the world. Man, that means nothing to me. No thanks. I ain’t even got the time to be laying up. I would literally have to put my shit aside, to give em a minute of my time. They ain’t worth it. Plus–I hustle harder than most of them anyway. The man I end up with, is the man that truly accepted me when I had nothing. And I’ll know. And know that it’ll be the closest ones to you to hate on you the most. To put excuses for you. The ones you cared for the most , to do you dirty. Man I’ll never understand it. Like Why ? Why do you feel so good about seeing others fail? Why? Who hurt you ? What have I done to you ?

It’s all good though.

I forgive all who have hurt me. I forgive those that gave up on me and left me because they didn’t understand the privacy my lifestyle warranted. They couldn’t understand the way that I had to move in order to make shit happen for myself. I forgive those that treated me like total shit when I had nothing. I forgive you and I wish no bad upon you nor will I ever. If anything, I thank you. I thank you because it helped get me where I am today.

I forgive you but I will never forget.

They tried to stop me but they couldn’t. Im a beast. Im a mother fucking monster. I go hard in the paint! aha. I hustle my ass off. I go hard at anything I do. You tell me I cant do something, and imma really do it then. Dont let any one, ANY ONE. Tell you that you cant be whatever you want to be or accomplish whatever you want to accomplish. Dont let them make you bitter. Humility is the most attractive trait in someone. Be beautiful inside and out, go chase that bag. Do what you got to do and dont feel the need to explain shit to anyone. Work in silence. Let those that dont understand, GO. If they family, “best friends”, anyone at all man. Worry about you because trying to please others will leave you broke and mentally fucked up. Who ever is meant to stay, will. All the others, let them be. Let them see you shine from a distance. Close your eyes right now and think of yourself high up top. They wont even be able to reach you sis. Be timeless. You ain’t got time for him, or her, or them. Find that source of energy within you , put your potent heart to work and capitalize all your mother fucking goals. Be real to yourself and the world always.

If I die today, I want ya’ll to remember that I went hard. I tried my best and I always kept it 100.

2 thoughts on “IF I DIE TODAY

  1. this hit home! I could relate to everything you shared here. I had my son at 14 and experienced the same awkward convos with people. The feeling of them viewing you as some type of alien who isn’t worth anything. But those same attitudes are the ones that make me work harder and do everything I need to do to make sure my kid’s got everything he’s ever wanted/needed/all of the above lol… I’m proud of your accomplishments and your daughters are definitely proud too. Keep being awesome ! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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