My dear daughters. Where do I even start ? The energy within me that fuels my heart–that energy– is you. The both of you. It exist because of you. It keeps on because of you. You are my battery in human form. You think I made you, but really–you guys made me. “Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? “, asked Brandy. Yes. I have. I am crying right now.

You both have no idea how much I love you. I dont even think love is a strong enough word to describe the way I feel about you. To describe what you guys do to me. I am so madly in love with you. I cant imagine a life without you. I wouldn’t have a life without you. I couldn’t continue to breathe with out you. My biggest fear is to lose you. Or for you to lose me, because no one could come close to loving you, the way that I love you. I will sacrifice anything for you. I will die for you. I will die and come back in any form, just to be with you again. I could lose it all and still have everything, as long as I have you. I have a life, but you give it reason. I have a house, but you guys make it a home. I move, but you guys give me the strength. When all seems impossible, I make it possible, for you. When I begin to lose myself, when I’m buried in depression, I literally get up, walk over to you and your sister, and immediately, I am woken. I am reminded that the demons in my head dont exist. That the devil calls for attention, but with Gods creation of you, it wont get it. Ever.

And I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times I put your safety at risk. For all the times I left you waiting. For all the times you fell asleep waiting for me. For all the promises that I have broken. For all the moments that I have missed. For every drawing that I have lost. For every inch in height that I have not measured on a wall. For every picture that I did not save. For every-time I fell asleep on you. I am so sorry for the times I had no money and fed us cereal all day. I am sorry for taking so long to do your laundry. I am sorry for taking too long to untangle your hair. I am sorry for all the times you wanted to ask me for homework help, but didn’t want to bother me because I had just had a fit over not being able to study. I am sorry for not keeping the house clean. I am sorry for the days that I couldn’t pay the electricity bill and we had to use flashlights to look for our stuff. I am sorry for not cooking for you all the time. I am sorry for not keeping your room clean. I am sorry for being too tired to read you a goodnight story. I am sorry for not affording Christmas gifts all the time. I am sorry for sometimes sleeping in on the holidays. I am sorry for not going with you on your field trips. I am sorry for missing your school events. I am sorry for yelling at you whenever I get in a bad mood. I am sorry for huffing and puffing when it was time to wake up and take you both to school. I am sorry for kicking you out of my room when all you wanted to do is be next to me. I am sorry for the arguments and fights that took place in front of you. For the fear it caused. For the preventable tears you shed. I am so, so , sorry.. Lee-anna, my big girl, I am sorry for the time I lost you. For the time that I left you with strangers while I sold drugs. For the times that I neglected you for a boy. For the times that I dropped you off and made you cry, just so that I could go to the club. I am sorry for getting locked up and you having to live in a foster home for 9 months. I am sorry for the 1 hour a week visits that always ended with the both of us crying intensively. I know you were too young to remember, and I know I didn’t know any better, but you did not deserve any of it. I will always hold that grudge against myself. My Sophia, I am sorry for playing with your feelings. For getting back and forth with your dad knowing how close you were to him. For fighting and hitting each other in front of you. I am sorry for all of the homework that has built up because of how much I have been studying for nursing finals. I am so sorry my angels.

I promise to be better. I promise to try harder everyday. I promise to always protect you. I promise to always fight for you. I promise to always pull through for you. I promise to always choose you. Over my dead body only, will someone ever hurt you. I promise to buy that big house that we dream of. I promise to build you that tree house. I promise to always stand by you through thick and thin. I promise to never leave your side if you ever get sick. I promise to never kick you out of our home no matter the age. I promise to support anything and anyone that you love in life. I promise to graduate college. I promise to become a nurse. I promise to always get back up for you. I promise to persevere for you. I promise to never lay a hand on you. I promise to give you money whenever you need it . Even when you are older, I promise you that when times get rough, and you need money to eat, to pay your rent, to have.. I promise to always have it. And if I dont have it, I promise to go get it. I promise to always listen. I promise to never compare you to anyone else. I promise to always hold you. I promise I’ll never leave you. I promise I will never deny you or hide you.I promise to think twice before reacting. I promise to never use you. To never use you as a ticket. I promise you that you both have made me the happiest and luckiest mommy in the world. I promise you that I notice your hard work in school, and around the house, and with your creations and experiments. I promise you both can continue to sleep with me no matter the age. I promise I cherish you. I promise to keep all my promises.

And know that I love to be with you. Know that I prefer to be with you. Know that the moment I drop you off at grandmas, I miss you. I miss you all the way until I am with you again. I can never get enough of you. When I am at work, or at home studying or somewhere else, no matter what or who, it can never amount to the elevation of happiness and joy that I reach when I am with you. You guys make me feel so big. So, so big. Important. Needed. Appreciated. You guys love me so much. You guys tell me every single day, literally, every single day….. that I am the best mom. You both kiss me all day. You guys accept me the way that I am. You guys make me warm when I feel cold. You give me the best massages when my back is hurting. You guys wake me up from sleeping on my Mac book and tell me to go to the bed because you want me to sleep good. I mean, wow. What did I do to deserve you ? How did I get so lucky? With my imperfections, my mistakes and tantrums; still, you both find me to be perfect. It chokes me up. It’s surreal. It’s so astonishing to me that a love so euphorias could even exist. And especially, that I could have it. I found true love, in you. I just…I just want to say thank you. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for motivating me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for having me. Thank you for loving me.

Your mommy..

One thought on “TO MY DAUGHTERS

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