I confess. I let him have me whenever he wants. No matter what. Every time that he looks for me, I’m here. But I can’t have him whenever I want, and every time I need him, he’s not there.
I confess. I let him come over whenever he wants. Every time he asks, I say of course. Even when I have plans—I cancel them and tell him I’m free. But I can’t ask him to come over whenever I want. I always have to wait. It feels like a thousand years sometimes. I kinda hate it. I crave him—and I have to wait.
I confess. I let him stay as long as he wants. There is no time limit for him. But I can’t ask him to stay longer because he always got things to do, moves to make, and places to be. I’m always missing him.
I confess. He can text me whenever he wants, and I respond to him every single time. But sometimes I have to wait over 24 hours to hear back from him. Sometimes even longer. I used to go crazy but now I’m kind of used to it.
I confess that he has his own text tone for every time he hits my line. He don’t even know it. I love when it goes off—you know? I skip over hoping that it’s him because it can’t be anybody else. I know it right away and it gives me the chills every single time. I get this inevitable, incredible, and satisfying sensation throughout my entire body. I could be doing anything—as soon as I hear it—my whole mood changes. Even if I’m already happy at that very moment—I get even happier. It’s almost revolutionary.
I confess that I might not be the only one. That I can’t be sure. Sometimes I swear he’s with someone else. I swear he’s sleeping next to another woman. It’s like I can literally feel it in my gut late at night while I remain awake and lonely on my bed—on the spot he laid last. Especially when he acts distant, the same way, and around the same times. I’ve caught on to his patterns. He probably thinks he’s sneaky, but I am too. I don’t say anything though. I don’t want to know. I don’t even want to think about it.
I confess that even if he really is, I still give myself the benefit of the positive doubt. I tell myself that he’s sleeping or working, or with his boys, or having time for hisself. I fucking hate to picture him with someone else though. I confess it drives me insane; And sometimes I do a good job controlling it, and hiding it from him. But many times, I dont. I go off on him. I send him so many messages. I talk so much shit to him. I cry telling him that he doesn’t care about me, and how I dont even know why I bother, to have a nice life, and blah blah. I cry and I growl. I punch pillows. I yell at my phone saying “fuck you! I dont fucking want you anyways!”. I start to think of him touching another woman the way he does me and I go bat shit crazy. I confess. I’m a fucking psycho. Especially if he dont write back to me. I go nuts. Straight madd. I fill myself with complete rage. I start to feel stupid. I start to get angry at myself for continuing to put myself in that position. I start to question my worth. I cant fucking stand him when I get like that. I convince myself that I am done with him.
It never lasts though. I end up right back into his arms. Every single damn time.
Am I the only one ? Why am I like this ? Why cant I let him go? Or better yet, why dont I want to let him go ? I know I probably should, but I just cant. I dont want to. I’ve tried. I end up fighting with myself instead. He causes me tears, but he’s also the reason they go away.
How the fuck? I dont get it.
How can I be so strong, but yet so weak? How can I be so smart, but yet play dumb so many times? And I am not blind. I’ll tell you that much. Not at all. I am clearly aware. I’m not sugar coding his lack of effort or availability towards me.
I confess that I just want him over and over. Whatever I feel for him, it’s too much. I cant resist. I’m giving up. I cant fight it any longer. He got me. It’s scary. It’s like I got to wait until I either get sick of him, or he’ll have to be the one to cut me off completely in order for me to pull away from him. And thats IF I get sick of him. And another man cant take me from him because he’s the only one I notice. But he wont. He hasn’t. I know he doesn’t want to let me go. He wants to keep me and the fact that I feel it makes everything that much more complicated. Almost everything with him is complicated. Especially trying to understand him. But still, I only want him. I’m just being real. It’s how I feel within. It’s him that I choose. The only one I want. If he’s a mistake, he’s my favorite one. He’s my favorite drug. He’s my favorite worst but not worst, habit. How does that even happen? How does that even make sense?
What a lovely mess I have made.
I read somewhere, “Dont judge a relationship based on the amount of text messages that are exchanged but instead, off of the quality of the time that you guys spend when you are together” BULLS EYE. Our quality is everything, and I think thats part of the reason I remain in this maze.
It’s the way he makes me feel. He gets me in all ways. Physically, emotionally, intimately, mentally, spiritually… literally. The way he touches me, is worth everything. The way he holds me so sweetly. The way he kisses me repeatedly every time he gives me a kiss. The way he strokes my hair endlessly. The way he feels my face so gently as if he’s studying me every single time. The way he wants me completely naked every time we have sex. Literally, every single time, I’ve had absolutely nothing on. He makes sure of it. He makes sure to embrace my body, and influences me to feel so damn confident. It’s the way he holds on to my waist and looks at me and says ” you’re so cute, you know that ? So damn cute. Too cute. How? You’re beautiful. You’re gorgeous.” The way he says it so damn fucking genuine. I feel his passion for me pouring right out of him, and I know he feels mine too. Its the way I drive him crazy with everything I do to him and the way he loves it so much. The way he cant get enough of me drives me amazingly nuts. The way he never wants me to be away from him every time were together. The way he wants me closer, skin to skin after sex, instead of turning his back on me like the end of a routine session. The way we have so much fun together. The way he finds me funny. The way he allows me to be a kid. The way we have the best naps ever together. The way he always makes sure that I am comfortable before settling in place. The way he kisses my forehead. The way he stays off his phone. The way he doesn’t pay attention to his phone at all. And the way he gets all super smiley and comfortable every time that he’s around me; It makes me so happy because he dont even got to say anything. His body language says it all. Real recognizes real. It’s the way he always tells me that he’s always missing me. The way we talk for hours about money and success. Its the way he inspires me. Its the way he motivates me. Its the way he believes in me. Its the way he talks to me and what he sees in me. He believes I can be anything that I want to be. He believes in my dreams. He looks up to me. He follows up on my exams and tells me how proud he is of me. He never gets sick of my pictures and videos and let me tell you, I blow his shit up with pictures. Constantly. He says ” I’ll never get sick of your pictures” and “I love it when you do that. The pictures. I love them.” The way he has never left me hanging. The way he has kept every word and every date and time made for us.
The best part though, he has never changed with me.
The same exact touch and treatment I fell for in the beginning, is the same exact one I still get today.
Maybe thats part of the problem. That Im addicted. I build a tolerance and require more and more injections of him. I just cant get enough of him. I want him all the time. I miss him too much all the time. He satisfies me , but I am still never satisfied because I want him the moment he leaves. I could eat him for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was super insecure with him in the beginning. I couldn’t control the way I was feeling for him as the days passed by. It was too much for me. I have never been through that, so I was afraid to let it out and be too much for him. I thought he’d get sick of me and rid me. I was afraid to be underestimated as a real woman that simply knows what she wants, and afraid to be misunderstood. But he took away those anxieties.
I’m intrigued of the way he seems to know how to have me. How to keep me. He seems to have me all figured out.
I confess. I’m stuck. I am stuck to him, and I dont want to be let loose. He has low key figured me out and still, he wants me. Still, he respects me and cherishes me. And I can be a complicated, annoying, sensitive , and angry little princess. Trust me. But he dont trip. He dont pay no damn mind when I am acting up. He knows how to remain stabilized, and therefore, he stabilizes me in return. He brings out the better side of me. I dont ever have to take it to a level I dont want to. To a level that isnt me. I dont want to be losing myself in rage and tantrums. Losing my composure and shit. I aint got time for that. I need to stay grounded so that I can stay focused, so that I can continue to push forward towards my goals and dreams. I ain’t perfect. I act up, but he handles me. He gives me my space when I go off on him and I hate it at the time because I want his attention, but I love it. I love it because I know I’m a fire cracker and a brat and dont know how to shut up and so, he kind of puts me in my place by allowing me to calm down and then some time later, “you feeling better ?”. lmao. I cant stand him but I love it. When I’m angry , I dont think and I can say alot of things I dont mean, or be rude and disrespectful, but through him, I’ve learned to be more patient. So I have never, ever disrespected him. We ain’t toxic. We dont take it there. I dont call him a bitch ass, or fuck boy or any names like that at all. I could never find it in me to disrespect him. He dont deserve it. I mean maybe an asshole like once. OK maybe twice. But thats all, and I like that because I need discipline. I am not perfect. A toxic man will add fire to the flame. He would not think of the fact that I am pms-ing, or stressed out or depressed, or just having withdrawals from being without him and simply just missing him, no. A toxic man will make you feel like your fucking crazy and intolerable and escalate everything while causing you to lose your patience in conjunction. My guy ain’t one of those. He’s cool. He’s unique. I cant really read him at times, but when I do, I read him well. I feel him matter-a-fact. I feel him hard. I can tell when he’s upset, annoyed, or down about something. I can tell when he wants his space and to be left alone (even though I’ll sometimes be on him still lol).
You see, I’m the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I openly express my emotions, clearly; but he’s the opposite, he holds everything in. He wont ever tell you if he’s hurting or not feeling good, or what he’s thinking or feeling at all. He’ll keep your as guessing. With out a care in the world too. He holds his pain, worries, fear, stress and all that, deep inside. And even if you try to be there for him, he wont give in. He wont give you no explanation for being shut out, unless he really wants to, of course. Most people wont understand. They wont want to understand, because it’s difficult for them to try.
I have a way of understanding and reading, and analyzing others.
And thats why I think I understand who he is, and what he stands for. I think it’s because of the way he comes off intimidating others. People envy his trait of being so damn reserved. Especially other men. I think it’s because a lot of men now gossip more than females. He’ll never fold though. He’s solid. He’s a real one. People give up on him and he lets them. He dont chase after anyone. He believes whoever is meant to stay, will stay. And he’s admitted that his lack of communication creates barriers in his relationships. He points all fingers at hisself. You wont ever hear him talking shit about anyone. He’s respectful and polite. He’s affectionate but so tough.He’s humble. So caring and altruistic. He’s a boss. He’s the alpha of his pack. He got big dreams just like I do and tackling them one by one, in silence. And the best part is, whatever he learns, he likes to put others on. He’s real selective though, he’s timeless so he only shares his resources with those he feels will actually use them. He avoids pointless conversations. His mind and the way he moves is just on a whole other level.
I think this is the main reason I cant let go of him. I think this is why I put up with shit I normally wouldn’t. Because of who he is. Because he’s JUST LIKE ME.
I swear he’s the guy version of me. We match. We stand for the same things. We hustle for the same reasons. We glow among others. We dont really do famous. We are just two young adults tryna make it big and we dont need anyones approval.
And for our differences, is why I admire him the most. Im attracted to the way he moves, and he’s attracted to my heart. I want to learn to hold shit in and draw away when I need to. To solely put myself first like he does. & he wants to learn to display kindness out in the open to everyone and anyone he comes across with, and to put others first more, like I do. He’s mentioned that he wants to learn to communicate more, and to be more considerate of others feelings. He believes he wont be able to be in a relationship, unless he learns to open up more. I told him he doesn’t have to change for anyone. I like him like this. He’s like my silent knight. I feel I’m learning more of him as time goes by. Im learning to fall back when I need to and not take it personal because everyone handles pain, and worries, and stress differently. I cant take it personal whenever I feel him distant for a day or two or three. He’s entitled to his space. WE ARE ALL entitled to our space.
I’m not sure what the future has planned for us. I do know he’s my ideal. I confess that I can see myself with him, but time will tell. I ain’t tripping at all. Either way I truly appreciate his friendship. I respect him highly. We are still young and what matters is that we respect each other and got each others back. Like real friends, and partners and the rest of the world should.
If he’s giving his attention that I cherish and want all the time to another woman, or if he’s just very good at lying, or if Im suffering from illusions, if we end up hating and hurting each other, if he abandons me , or creates a life elsewhere with someone else; Who knows how I’ll take it. Right now though, I rather be with him than not, so I’ll put up with the gaps of communication, the lonely nights and days I stay waiting for his messages, the days I want to see him but I cant, the days I call him and he dont pick up, the days I feel he’s with another woman but cant point a finger at it and thus, driving me insane and hating him again at that very moment; I’ll deal with it for now because I appreciate him. Time will tell.
I confess that I might really just give up in the future. That I wouldn’t be able to handle having only a piece of him forever. I couldn’t handle having him so close and then suddenly when I am the happiest and feel so close and secure with him, he’s far away into wonderland. I really dont know how long I can last. I know myself. I couldn’t deal. I want all of him. I’ll go madd. He’ll be the one to bring me to my damn grave If I dont play this right.
For now though, I confess that giving up is not in the picture. If anything, as crazy as I sound,
I want to continue giving in.