Tornadoes are rude. They have no manners. They’re invasive. They attack whenever they please. They’re destructive. I’ve never physically experienced one, but mental ones— yes. Very often in fact. They’re conceived by my clustered thoughts.
I swear. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I think and worry about too much at the same damn time. It literally feels like my head is spinning; and as strong as I am, I cant really fight it. My thoughts completely dominate my mentality. It makes me want to scream from the very top of my lungs. It drives me insane. Bear with me as you gain insight into my madness.
I think about things that I need to get done, but haven’t yet. I think about the time that I dont have to do them, but need to make. I think of all the tasks that I have to do at home, and how I keep pushing it to the side. I think about all the studying and assignments I need to get done. I think of appointments I’ve missed, and missed calls from people that have been trying to contact me over and over. I think of how guilty I feel about it. At the same time I’m thinking of others; I wonder what they are doing, if they are okay, if they’ve thought about me, or miss me how I do them. I think about my fears, worries, and insecurities. On top of all of that, are the thoughts of me recognizing that too much is happening all at once, and that anxiety is getting the best of me. A complete mess, I know. It’s overwhelming too. It’s exhausting. I tell myself to breath, and slow down, and how I need to focus on one thing at a time. How I must remain positive. But it’s easier said than done. I am only human. I can’t control it.
Damn mental tornadoes, i’m telling you. They’re rude.
I’ll never get how someone can be so mentally stable, but unstable at the same time. I think I now understand what it means when people say that they feel like a prisoner in their own minds.
I’ve found a couple of ways to deal with my twisted thoughts. To relax and regroup myself. To deal with my anxiety, and my overall mental health. I had to. It’s my mind, and my brain, and my body. I am responsible for myself. I wont let my twisted thoughts get the best of me. I can’t afford to be mentally unstable. I must remain focused. I got things to get done, moves to make, goals to accomplish, and dreams to chase. Plus, time waits for no one.
That’s one way.
Never underestimate the power of a shower.
Oh my precious showers. I love my showers. They’re a sacred place, inside my sacred place. My escape and panic room, right at home. The very first thing I do is create a perfect setting. I need the perfect lighting, my favorite candles , and depending on my mood, I’ll either put on some r&b and soul music, or some hip-hop or trap, or Spanish music. Either one does the job. Then I get into the shower, I sit down, hug my knees, expose my face to the soothing and warm water stream, and then I simply close my eyes. I surrender my entire mind and soul, to water. To my shower. Funny huh? I’m serious though. It feels so amazing. My twisted concentrated thoughts are suddenly diluted. They become untwisted, apart and easier to focus on, one by one.
Complete paradise, I tell you.
And it lingers. As I step out of the shower, I embrace my irresistible smell. It flourishes all around me from both, my body and hair. A sweet cream smell, with peony and a hint of coconut. I then blow dry my hair, put on a face mask, paint my little toe and finger nails, and then I lotion my entire body with my favorite sweet jasmine, peach and rose water aromatic cream by Celine Tadrissi. Man I love that smell! It’s delicious, luxurious and makes me feel so rich in spirit. I then put on my favorite Calvin Klein undies, a light robe, and depending on the temperature, I put on knee high socks or none at all. Ahhhhhh…. It’s like I’ve been resurrected. I know, I’m extra. But to each, their own right ? I am then able to walk with my head held high and straight up on my shoulders. Feeling confident as ever. I am then able to study for hours and focus on that or whatever it is I choose to solely focus on. The twisted thoughts are gone.
Well…, for now they are.
As healing and spiritually altering, and uplifting that my showers are, they can’t cure me. The tornados eventually come back. They return and make me want to scream again, and I’ve accepted it. Im learning to live with it, so it’s cool. Anxiety has devoted itself to me, clearly; and theres nothing I can do about it. She has a hate and love relationship with me, I swear. She hurts me, but cant be without me. I guess these are the types of battles we have to fight in order to become stronger humans. In order for me to continue growing and to become a better woman. I’m aware that life isn’t easy. It just gets really tough sometimes, you know? Especially when depression decides to tag along. It loves to partner up with anxiety, and make a puppet out of me. Anxiety makes me worry about whatever it wants, and then depression makes me bundle up and cry over it. I’m suddenly forced into a threesome that I did not want. That I never asked for. Anxiety , depression , and I.
It’s like my most toxic relationship is with myself. It’s scary to think that a time will come where I’ll be so depressed and anxious, that I’ll begin to lose myself. That I’ll begin to actually believe I got issues and thus, believe that I’m unworthy and feel hopeless. That I’ll be sucked in by a level of depression far beyond my control.
But no. Not me satan.
I know thats just another twisted thought of mine. You see, I’ve learned that in life, you must find your true self, and when you do, you must remain true to yourself. You must remain loyal to yourself. You must trust yourself. You must push yourself, and learn to find light within your dark. You must believe in yourself. Positively believe in yourself so much, to the point where you’ll actually attract whatever it is that you desire, into existence. I clearly struggle. Like everyone else in the world, but I’ve learned to master perseverance. This is why I continue to persevere in life, despite all trials and tribulations, and bullets aimed at me. I dodge em. I love myself; and I had to experience and lose a lot, in order to learn how. I learned to accept myself, and all that I come with. The good, and the bad. I learned that instead of trying to fix myself, I can instead not view myself as broken, and instead, ameliorate myself. I had to learn to find happiness within me, instead of depending on others to make me happy. I would have been lost, alone and miserable for the rest of my life if I didn’t. I’m glad that I can finally say, I’m proud of myself. Behind all of my madness, I find beauty. Even if its only beautiful to me. I became my greatest lover during my toughest times, and I found opportunity in every obstacle i’ve ever faced. I forgave myself for underestimating the hell of a great woman, and mother that I am. I stopped hating and beating myself up so much over things I can’t control about myself. I’ve acknowledged the massive and powerful heart that I was blessed with, and I embrace it. It’s all I need to continue moving forward. When I fall, it’ll pick me back up. I hold my own remedy. My brave, big, fearless, kind, lovable, and potent heart of mine. It’s able to conquer all, including myself.
So go ahead my twisted thoughts. Come as a pack if you wish. I’m not afraid of tornadoes anymore. Bundle up and spin all you want while causing me to feel crazy, and to worry about things I dont have to worry about, and make me cry for hours if thats what you please. Go ahead. Do as you wish. Knock yourself out.
In the end,
my heart will fully rehabilitate me.