It seems that when it comes to love, being in denial is one of the things that I am best at. It’s a defense mechanism that works for me—I guess. It helps me not face reality. It helps me hold on to him. I’m aware of what I’m doing and still, I continue because I don’t want to let him go. It’s like I rather stay in denial forever, in exchange of being his forever. It’s like I prefer for him to lie to me. I don’t want to know the truth. I don’t want to know what it feels like. I don’t want to be broken hearted. I don’t want to face it. It’s sick that I think this way. It’s sick that I settle for less when I know I don’t have to. I’m finally admitting it though. I accept that I can’t keep running. I accept that in the end, I am only hurting myself .
I accept that I am in denial.
I deny what most likely is the truth, I deny what makes sense to be the truth, I deny the internal gut feeling telling me it’s the truth, and I deny accepting the truth.
In my own soft excuse of a defense, my heart, my eyes and my thoughts have deceived me plenty of times in the past. I realized that I would always jump to conclusions and make assumptions that in the end, have caused me to hurt myself. I realized that I was causing unnecessary fights and arguments, and that I pushed people away because of it. Eventually I hit a point in my life where I said to myself, “Unless you know 100%, don’t assume.” I wanted to really try, you know? I wanted a better approach. I wasn’t going to keep tripping over bullshit. The problem was that I often found myself stuck between thinking I was making unnecessary assumptions, and thinking I was in denial of the truth. I still find myself there. It drives me insane. My heart and mind are always at war. Things make no sense even when I try to make sense of them. Quite honestly, I would probably stay regardless of whats true or not. Well—I think I will. I really don’t know what to think anymore. I told him I would never change. I told him I wouldn’t go anywhere, and I meant it. I really did.
You see—I’m a very passionate and ambitious woman. No matter what or who, I don’t allow anything to get in the way of my dreams. I’m still able to keep my money, my responsibilities, my goals and education grounded—regardless of how I’m feeling. Regardless of how you do me. I can never let a man, or anyone take that from me. I praise myself for that. I got me. Me against the world. I’m an in-born hustler. I fight for what I want. I sacrifice it all, including money, food, time, friends, family, and a man. It’s who I am and I’m grateful for that. I can’t afford to lose. I got two little girls that count on me. I didn’t bring them into this world to live an average life. I got bigger dreams, and I swear I’m the queen of dodging bullets. It’s real difficult for you to get to me. No woman or man can ever intimidate me. I disregard them.
Still—I can play tough all day everyday but that don’t make me untouchable. When it comes to someone I really care about, someone or something that I have invested so much of my precious time in, someone or something that I truly believed in—only then can you get to me. Only then, can you hurt me.
I just wish you didn’t.
I learned the hard way that no matter how much I hide from the truth, there comes a time in your life when you must face reality. Good or bad—it arrives and you can’t avoid it. I have been forced to see and realize something that is so blunt, I can’t deny it from being true. Even if I want to believe it’s not true, I can’t see it any other way and it hurts. Reality hurts.
Did you know that when a woman becomes silent, it means she’s deeply hurt on a level so strong that she realizes it’s destroying her, or that it’s about to destruct her, so she automatically withdrawals? She becomes so numb. The only thing moving are the tears from out her eyes. She absorbs all the pain. The pain is so intense—it brings on a vibrating and stinging feeling throughout her entire body. She literally feels stuck. She chokes up. She normally can’t keep her mouth shut but suddenly, she has absolutely nothing to say. She no longer finds worth in reaching out to you, in letting you know, or in you caring how she feels. She’s been hurt so strongly that she immediately detaches herself from you as a natural defense mechanism from the deepest roots of love and pain. She genuinely does not want you anymore. Even if she tried, her memory and mind has been emptied except from this pain though. She’s sort of like— in a coma. If this happens—know that you really hurt her. Know that she may never coming back. She’s been spiritually detached. She’s in spiritual distress.
She said she’ll never change, but it changed her.
It changed me.
I went from being sure that I was cared for by the man that I care for, to being convinced that he doesn’t at all. I now question if he ever did to begin with. I went from thinking he was the realest man ever, to not knowing who he is anymore. I still kind of find myself in denial. I refuse to believe that I don’t mean a thing to him. I kind of refuse to let him go. I refuse to believe he doesn’t want me. I refuse to stop caring about him. However, the very exact moment that I decide to stop tripping, is when reality storms in to remind me that I have no choice but to subside my feelings for him. I have no choice because I’m now convinced that he has none for me.
My lovely vision of us has been distorted.
I was in my feelings. I was full of rage. I was so confused. Everything I thought couldn’t be true suddenly felt like the only truth to exist. I was so angry at myself. I blamed my soft spot for being the reason I got caught in this love madness to begin with. I didn’t like myself. I began to question what about me didn’t make me worthy enough for him. What about me made it so easy for him to insensitively degrade or devalue me in his eyes? What about me made it so easy to inconsiderately disregard my feelings? What could I have done differently? It seems to be true that we live in a world in which we want what we don’t have and once we have it, we don’t want it anymore. Why does it have to be that way? Why should I have to hold back from being real to him, to myself, and to my heart in order for him to not get sick of me? Why does it have to be a game?
So many unanswered questions.
If being a good woman comes with the price of deceiving myself in the face of love, I rather be bad. If caring so much isn’t going to make him care, why care at all? What’s the point in believing if there’s nothing to believe in ? Why be nice when he’s so mean? Why have a big heart when it’s often ridiculed? Why talk when he won’t listen? Why keep it real with someone who keeps it fake? Why’d he keep me around if he never wanted me? If he had other plans with someone else? Why couldn’t he just let me go to begin with ? Why come to me if he’s in love with another woman? Why does he hurt me when he knows that I won’t ever hurt him? If I’m too much for him, why can’t he get enough of me? Why can’t I feel—after all that I have invested in us? Why does he assume that I have no place or validation for the way that I feel about him? For the heartaches that he causes me? He swears he’s some kind of love expert or some shit. Seems like he don’t know what love is at all. Why should I even continue to fight a battle I’ll never win ? How do we remain a team when I’m standing on my own? Without my past or societies outlook on me—pwould he have chosen me then ?
It’s clear to see that he only wanted me when it was convenient. I fulfilled his desires as he wished. I was convinced. Convinced that he wouldn’t put hisself in a position to lose me because I believed he cherished me. I believed he wanted wanted me. He never wanted me though. He wanted the idea of me. It get’s me so upset. I’m so disappointed in him. He was grown enough to sell me dreams, grown enough to say things and let it get to my head, grown enough to live multiple lives, but he was never grown enough to understand the consequences of his actions. He lacked consideration, he lacked empathy, he lacked compassion, and he lacked care. He should know better. And I’m grown enough to realize that leading people on in order to get what we want, is something that has been normalized within our generation—so I don’t blame him for doing what we all do.
I just hate that he chose me.
I didn’t deserve it and now it’s too late. The damage is already done. It’s too late because no matter what, I can’t help but to revisit the thought of him in my head. I can’t help but to miss him. I can’t help but to want him. I can’t help but to want to wait for him. I can’t help but to give him even the slightest benefit of the doubt. Crazy—I realize my worth and still—he finds some way to stick around. He has gravitated towards me.
I couldn’t fall asleep with so much confusion tackling my heart. My thoughts and feelings were all over the place. Whatever I was feeling contradicted the thoughts in my mind. Still, it means nothing—I guess. That was the reveal of his true colors, not mine.
It was a rough night.
As I drowned in my tears I realized not only was I losing him,
I was losing me too.
I can’t have that, and I can’t take it anymore. That or anything else in my life that threatens my peace of mind. I tap out. I can’t allow my effort to continue being wasted. I must invest my energy elsewhere. Chasing love will leave you sick. It’ll suck you dry. I’m still learning obviously—but I’m more at ease now. I’ve learned that those with good souls are never truly alone. When inhumanity attempts to destroy them, life itself won’t put up with it. Life itself can’t remain on stand by as I continue to beat myself up, and that’s why life forces reality upon us. To lift us. So thank you life. I am grateful for you and for the way you have emotionally built me to be. And I want you to know that I’m no longer ashamed. I realize that I’m simply not the average type. I realize that I possess rare gifts and abilities and for that, I thank you GOD. I realize that whoever has overlooked the woman that I am, whoever has hurt me, whoever has used me, whoever has taken advantage of my sensibility—they simple don’t deserve me. I ain’t mad at them though. In fact, I forgive them. I’m aware that many can’t handle authenticity. They can’t even identify it and I’m not surprised. This world is full of artifices and frauds. Everyone lies about everything. They hold immature perceptions of what’s acceptable or not, of what’s cool or not, of who and what matters. True love, wisdom, intelligence, loyalty, and beauty often goes unnoticed. Many times it’s right in front of us. If you think I’m blind after reading my love stories—you’ve failed to identity your own lack of sense. Read that again, or not. Many of ya’ll will remain ungrateful and unappreciative anyway.
My heart is the prettiest thing about me and ya’ll still don’t appreciate that.