They tell me I think too much. They tell me I do too much. They tell me I want too much. They say I’m extra. I ain’t mad at it. Quite honestly, they’re right. I am extra, because I want extra. I do too much, because I learned not doing too much is not going to get me too much. And I get it, compared to someone that wants less, it will be too much. Compared to average minds—it will. Of course they’re going to think that. We simply can’t relate. Some settle, some don’t, and some can’t . I can’t settle, and I’m never contempt. I want it all. I want everything. I want it bad.
I know I sound like a smart ass or like I got huge head or something, but trust that I mean that in the most humblest way ever. The intensity of my tone comes straight from my past. I talk like I got something to prove because I’ve been criticized all my life. I’ve been told I can’t all my life. I’ve been laughed at, abused, spit on, abandoned–you name it. I’ve heard it all.
I’ll admit. They almost killed me. It got so heavy at a point, I felt like a total disgrace to the entire human race. I felt worthless. I thought suicidal. I pictured a world without me in it. I hated myself. I asked god why it had to be me. I wondered what was so special about me because it seemed like I was the only one going through the type of shit I was going through. I needed motivation. I felt so lonely. Even in a room full of people I was lonely. I literally had no one to relate to, or to uplift and inspire me. I had no guidance nor anyone who cared enough to help me find my way, to help me find a way or any way at all—I would have listened, I swear. I was a broken child and being broken made me super vulnerable. My aching heart lingered. I trusted easily, I got pregnant at fourteen, I made many mistakes and bad choices, I hung out with the wrong people and engaged in many bad behaviors. I gave the world plenty of more reasons to degrade me. It’s all good though. I needed that. Matter a fact, it’s exactly what I needed and I wouldn’t change any of it.
You see—being on my own at such an early age forced me to grow up fast but especially after I became pregnant. My whole life changed because of my daughter. Having a baby at such a young age was never a part of my thoughts—yet I never regretted her. We were meant to be. I instantly fell in love upon learning of her existence. She gave me all the reason in the world to believe. It didn’t take long to realize that she’d be my greatest gift in life. She’s all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. The thought of being her mother, and her needing and counting on me, motivated the fuck out of me. I swear. I knew I could become the best mother and woman ever despite being so young and alone because I knew exactly what it took. I knew because it’s exactly what I always knew I needed. Everything I ever wished for, everything that I cried for, every dream I’ve had that I thought would never come true, is everything I wanted for my daughter. If I couldn’t have it at least she could. That became the highlight of my life purpose. I was blessed with the opportunity to switch roles—to provide all that I was missing, to her. To protect her from evil, how I wished I was. I no longer had to be the lost lonely girl with no direction anymore. I was dedicated. I told myself it wasn’t about me anymore. Only her. I gave up on wanting anything for myself. I wanted everything for her instead. Crazy… Who would have known that in exchange, she would provide it all right back. Who would have known that all the love I wasted on the wrong people, would have returned back to me times ten. Who would have known that the life I gave up on, wasn’t in fact over, that it was just the beginning, and that I’d discover it through her. Every hole in my heart suddenly vanished. Everything I always wanted, I found in my daughter. Literally. Seeing her happy, brought me happiness, keeping her company, kept me company, listening to her, was listening to me, I loved her with every part of me–and she loved me the same. I believed in her, and she believed in me. She still does. She tells me I’m her greatest inspiration today. Chills…I swear. God knew what he was doing. He had it all planned out. I became so ambitious and driven. I no longer gave a fuck about anyones opinion. They couldn’t touch me anymore. They said, “I hope you know no one’s helping or babysitting for you. Your gonna have to figure it out on your own since you were adult enough to open your legs.” Fucking assholes. Because I chose to open my legs right ? Because you were there in the bed with us right? Ya’ll dont know shit. But I’ll save that for another time. Point is—I didn’t need them.
The more they told me I couldn’t, the more I wanted to prove myself. The more they spoke as if I was an immediate failure, the more I wanted to shit on them. The more they called me broke, the more money I wanted. The more they laughed at what I didn’t have, the more I visioned my self with that and more. The more they spoke about my daughter, like she would always be a welfare baby or some shit, the more I couldn’t wait to spoil her. I’m telling ya’ll. Inhumanity almost destroyed me, that’s for sure. But it couldn’t.
As time went by I began to make moves. I got on my shit. I decided to take a CNA course so that I could have a professional job. I was always into the medical field, and I used to dream of becoming a doctor when I lived in Houston, but who would have known that working as a CNA–I was going to discover my inborn passion of caring for others. My patients became my family. Anyone I took care of, I treated like the family I never had. Naturally too. I still do the same today. I love my job man. It feeds my soul with happiness and joy. I love healing others. It heals me in return. I now understand why I was mistreated by too many, because it was life’s way of pushing my love to where it’s most needed–love of humanity. What my soul has to offer is too elite for amateurs. It’s too much for single individuals. The ones hurting the most, the sick, the scared, and the lonely—they are who needed me.
Being in the health field surrounded me with nothing but professionals, with bosses, with the most humblest, down to earth intelligent ass people. Every single one of them inspired me. I wanted to be just like them. I wanted the respect they had, the knowledge they had, the cars they drove, the lab coats– all that stuff man. I knew I had to do more. I couldn’t just stay where I was at. That’s when I decided to go to college and become a registered nurse. Of course, becoming a young single mom–I was stigmatized. They laughed when I said I wanted to go to nursing school. They said theres no way I could. They said some of the smartest people without kids couldn’t even make it, so there was no way that I could. I didn’t listen. They dont know that I been there already. They dont know that I’m driven by people that tell me that I can’t . I knew I could. Not only because I wanted to prove myself, but mainly because I was truly passionate. I became so passionate about nursing. I asked every nurse anything I didn’t understand. Doctors too. I do the same today, and I will continue to.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.-Socrates
I never act like I know it all, because I don’t. I approach everything from a beginners mind set. I want to learn and learn more every day. Today they tell me that I’m so smart, but I don’t think so. I just know more than I did yesterday. I mean shit—I better. I didn’t go through all of this for years just to stay the same.
Being in college and working, and being a mom at the same time brought me a lot of praise. I wasn’t used to it. It felt good though, for sure. It felt good for people to finally put some respect on my name; especially considering how it was before. But as I grew I realized that yes–I was motivated by all of those that looked down on me of course, but it was the obsession I had for a better life that really pushed me. The taste of power and wealth, the taste of intelligence, the taste of luxury and success, and the taste of peace and happiness, is what really kept me rolling. I went from having nothing and nobody to having so much and so many. Everything I never even dreamed of having, my daughters already got. I made that happen for them. Private school and all. I’m still in school, and I’m still working. I have about a year left to obtain my bachelors of science in nursing along with a minor in behavioral neuroscience. I’m working on publishing my own books. I’m going to buy my first house soon, and more. I have big , big, big dreams. I have to keep chasing them.
If you can’t already tell, it’s my past that made me the ambitious woman that I am today. Through hardship I found opportunity, through hate I found love, through loneliness, I found unity, through the impossible, I made it possible, and from nothing, I built something. Every single moment in my life led me to where I am today. It turned me into a fucking savage. It taught me that the only person I need to believe in me, is myself. For real. We can either eat together, or you can keep it moving. It’s that simple. I don’t mean to come off super prideful, but when you get through your toughest moments on your own, you really don’t care who stays or goes anymore. I’m too good at goodbyes now. I know how to be alone and not be lonely. I love ya’ll, but I’m going to do me regardless.
My life experiences made me very wise. I was forced to move differently. That’s why I see things the way that I do. That’s why my approach is often alarming, because it exceeds expectations and that’s because I learned early. I had to. Life trained me early. At only nine years old I was forced to look after myself. That’s why today I’m the epiphany of an independent woman. Can’t anyone tell me shit. Can no one tell me how to do me, better than I can do me . I’m on beast mode. A hater can never cause me to stumble again. I learned early to let them be. I don’t even take it personal anymore. I’m aware everyone has their own battles at home. It’s just a part of life. With greatness, comes ridicule. That’s how it is. I learned, and I learned to be patient. I learned to love myself, and I learned to love everyone else too. I mean it. I hold no resentment in my heart. If I loved you before and you let me down, know that I still do. Just stay away from me. And I’m grateful for the fact that I no longer have to try to convince people that I’m worthy, or that they should be my friend, because I’m magnetic. I’m a magnet of love, so I attract love. I’m a magnet of kindness, so I attract kindness. I’m a magnet of money, so I attract money. I’m a magnet of positivity, so I attract positive souls, spirits, and outcomes. I’m a magnet of big dreams, and their heading my way.
So yeah. I do think too much. I do want too much. I do do too much. It’s who I am though. Can’t help it. I can’t relax if I tried. My train of thought is accelerated, and those that know what it’s like to have nothing–ya’ll should at least somewhat feel me. I do a lot because I don’t ever want to go back. I’m traumatized. I may have an extreme and independent way of thinking, but it works. I now believe it to be a gift actually. You’re gifted if you’re able to think independently and control your own thoughts because we all know that’s one of the hardest things to do. Without my train of thought, I would’ve lost it a long time ago. I would have ended up exactly where they projected me to end up —a projection of their very own failures and fears. But nah. No thanks. Not me. I can’t be stopped, and neither should you, nor your daughters, nor anyone. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel incapable of making your dreams come true. I make sure to teach my daughters everything I’ve learned. I keep it real with them. I always have, and I always will. They won’t get caught slipping like I did and if they do, they’ll come back even stronger because they’re queens and a queen will always turn her pain into power. A queen is not afraid to fail. “A queen knows how to build her empire with the same stones that were thrown at her.”
In every woman, there’s a queen.
I’m a queen, and my soul is royalty.
Peace and Love, D