To those waiting for me to fall off, to those praying for my downfall, to those that doubt me, to those that have gave up on me, to those who don’t like me for being me, to those that stalk my Instagram page with fake pages, to those that bad mouth me, those that laugh when I cry, in the past and today, I hope after reading this, you can for one, see that you are wasting your time, and then two, be inspired and motivated to shift all that negative energy into positive energy, aimed at yourself, and not others.
I dedicate this post ESPECIALLY, to those that think and say they can’t do it, to those that think they don’t got what it takes, to those that think it’s too late, to those who are negatively influenced by others opinions, to those that are afraid, to those that doubt themselves, to those that stopped believing in themselves, to those who are afraid to stand out, to those that feel like giving up, to those chasing their dreams, to all single mothers and fathers, to mothers and fathers in general, to all nursing students, nursing majors, and students in general, to all pregnant teenagers, young and older ladies and gentlemen, to those that want more…..
If I can do it, you can do it, too
I want it so, so bad. I want a lot, but I want to become a nurse, so very bad. I want to be a college graduate with a bachelors degree in science. I want to hear them call my name as I’m crossing the stage. I want my daughters to witness it, and yell that I’m their mommy. I want to work for the rest of my life caring, and loving, and nursing all of humanity. I’ll literally feel like I’m working as a super hero, saving people’s lives and healing them everyday. I feel like that now as a Certified Nursing Assistant, but I feel more like, Robin, and I’m trying to be, Batman. I want to live forever giving back to those who gave, giving back to God, giving in general, even if they don’t give back. That is a part of who I am. I’m altruistic. I’ll always be. Healing, caring, uplifting, and helping others, makes me so happy, it makes me feel alive. Saving lives, giving CPR and reviving someones heart, being a part of figuring out what’s wrong with them physiologically, and promoting health, preventing illness, help cope with illness, lifting them spiritually, man…..I was born for it. I need it.
It’s no secret that becoming a nurse is not easy to do. Nursing school is overall fulfilling, but notoriously difficult. It’s super competitive. To even get accepted into a nursing program, you’re required to have high a GPA. You need impressive grades/scores in math, chemistry, biology, psychology, and other demanding subjects. I was told all of this, and about the nursing school life in general, and they were not lying. I look at nurses like Gods when I see them, it’s crazy. The nursing curriculum is literally, life consuming. It’s not made for the weak or the heartless, that’s for sure. Trust me. I know because I’m completing my third year of nursing school right now.
I got into the program with a 3.5 GPA. That’s about a A- average, I believe. I had a solid A in both chemistry courses required, all other course grades ranged from A-‘s to my lowest grade, a B. I also got into the program my first time applying. I can’t tell you how many times they told me that I would most likely not get accepted, or get in the first time, or tell me that people with no kids or “very smart” people who try, don’t even succeed. Man, I didn’t let none of that slow me down. If anything, it made me go harder. I worked my ass off to get into that program , and I’m still working my ass off to stay in it, and to complete it. I pull all-nighters on a regular. I study every single day, literally, every single damn day. I get burnt out a lot, I struggle mentally, socially, financially, spiritually, even physiologically at times, from not eating. I miss family, friend, and holiday events, I don’t even get invited really, I stay having mental breakdowns, even physical ones, my ass and back stay hurting! I have time for literally, almost nothing. I’ve had time to write, but only because it’s the summer and I’m only taking one course for a behavioral neuroscience minor that I’m pursuing (piece of cake compared to nursing), but typically, I don’t have time for anything, like not even a few minutes, and many people do not understand!!!!!! I swear, they will never understand. Because of that, I’ve lost, or don’t, or barely, see friends, and family, and relationships. They get sick of me not having time, or not showing up, or try to argue with me about me not making time, saying that they “don’t understand” how I don’t have time. Man, I don’t even have time to argue. Point is, everything revolves around nursing school. Nursing is simply, my lifestyle now.
Let me also mention, that on top of being in nursing school full-time, I am also a single mother of two girls that I am also currently putting though private school, I work double shifts at a hospital as a certified nursing assistant, I have to pay my own twelve-hundred dollar rent, all my bills, cable, internet, car insurance, medical insurance, electricity, phone bills, school books, my kids school tuition, my car payment, credit cards .. and yeah, I can go on forever. I’m not on well fare, because I don’t qualify for assistance, and so, just imagine how I do all that on my own. Yeah, I can’t neither. I don’t know how the hell I do it, but I do it. I just know that I want it so bad. I’m obsessed with my dream of becoming a nurse. I’m obsessed with graduating college. I don’t know what it feels like to graduate. I dropped out of high school to sell drugs, and make money right away, so that I could get my daughter and I out of a twin size bed that we shared with others. I got caught and sentenced to six months to serve and six months in a training school at 16-17 years old. They took my daughter from me and put her in a foster home. Yeah, that’s a whole other story and post, but point is, that’s part of the reason why today, I’m starving. I’m hungry. I need this. I need it bad. I’m so determined, motivated, ambitious, driven, inspired, man,.. all that. I literally cry for it. I cry to God and the angels all the time, telling them that I will prove to them how bad I want it, so that they can continue to bless, and protect me. I literally devote my life to nursing school. I have, and still do, sacrifice so much for it. I close my eyes, and picture me crossing that stage, and I instantly cry. I cry because I want it so bad, I can taste it. I’m craving it. It’s almost like I’m crying for food, like I’m starving, and my belly hurts so much, and I’m crying because I can see others eating, and my mouth is watery, but I can’t have any, and so, I’m so, so , so damn hungry. I see it, I smell it, and I know I’m going to eat too, but not right away. I have to be wait. I have to be very patient. I crave a big ole’ nurse plate, but I have to go hungry first, and trust me when I tell you, I know what it’s like to go hungry, literally.
There was once a time when I was so broke, my account was on -$1000 and so , I didn’t have any money to buy food, but I was too prideful and embarrassed to ask anyone, so I told no one, and so, my daughters were at my moms where I know my mother had food and all that there, so they were good , but for three days, all I had was water, milk, and some cereal from a cereal box. I fell asleep crying, my belly cramping, stuck in a certain position, like sucked in, without me sucking it in.. I had a headache, my ribs were showing even. I cried so much, scraped around for change, just to at least afford the dollar menu. I felt like that, and still broke night studying for a nursing exam. My skin looked all pale, hair all brittle.. I even went to work , looking jolly happy, around my coworkers, so hungry watching them eat, but I wouldn’t tell them shit. I went into the kitchen , and took a juice and a sandwich from the stash we keep for patients in case they ask for some, and ate it so fast in the corner. I became constipated. My heart rate was elevated. I felt physically weak. I never told anyone, until one time, I told a guy friend of mine who I was very close with, and he got so mad at me. I still remember his face. His words, “ I don’t care what anyone says. Everyone needs help. I don’t care who you are. You could have told me, that’s so arrogant of you. You’re just going to let yourself starve, because of your pride? Pride kills.” He cared about me, so I understood his frustration. Another time, I got home, and my lights were shut off. I couldn’t afford to pay my electricity bill, so they shut it off. I know they had sent me a letter, but I did not think that they would really shut it off, or at least that soon. I had to study of course, so I had to study in my car and charge my phone there at the same time. I couldn’t go to my mothers house because there’s too many people living with her, and I need to be alone to study. I can’t have any distractions or have to worry about something else when it’s already hard enough for me to mentally put everything else to the side. I need to be able to focus on whatever it is that I’m studying, only. I called and begged for them to turn it back on, but since I didn’t have a baby under one or two (something like that), or someone with a qualifying medical issue, they wouldn’t turn it back on. So I got paid two days after, paid most of it off, and then they turned it back on. All my food went bad, my kids cried as we tried to look for clothes in the dark..Fucking couldn’t believe that they could do that, as if we could survive without electricity. Fucking ridiculous, but anyway, the way my financial situation works, is that I can easily work double shifts at the hospital, and bring home over a thousand dollars of a net pay in a single week. The most I’ve brought home was almost two-thousand. I work many doing double shifts during the summer, in order to catch up to my expenses, and to save and prepare for the upcoming semester, and for me and my kids to do things, etc. But during school semesters, that’s a whole different story. There’s no way that I can do that, as much as I try I can’t. I only work 24 hours a week during school, and I try to find people to work those days for me, so that I can have more time off. I literally need every single hour, minute, and second of the day, to sleep, eat, and study. To shower, or meditate, or to be able to attend to my kids if they are with me and not at my mothers house at the time. I try to catch up on some sleep, but I can’t most of the time. Even when I can, I’ve become so obsessed with studying, and learning, that I lose sleep to study shit I don’t even have to study, just because I want to keep advancing my medical knowledge, or knowledge in general, or because I wan’t to go over everything again, to make sure I know it well. I draw pictures of the human body, of the brain, nursing labs, I label them, I write affirmations to self-motivate myself, and I hang all that up on the walls of my apartment. My room, living room, dining room, man, you name it. It’s a sacrifice I tell you, but I choose to make it because I have no other choice but, to do that. If I want to become a nurse, if I want to cross that stage, if I want to make my dreams come true, I got to put in that work.
I love it though. I love the battle. I’m a warrior. It’s so rewarding every single time that I get an exam grade, or a paper grade, or an assignment grade, or care plan grade, or a clinical evaluation back, because I get results. Well, for the most part. I almost always get excellent grades. I mean, I better, shit. I’m not putting in work, to not do great. I work very hard, I study very hard, and therefore, I expect the best result, because I’m putting in my best effort. Still, sometimes, no matter how hard I go, I still won’t pass a certain exam, and damn how that hurts, and shakes me up. Check this– once, I failed a national nursing exam that was required to continue on to the next semester. If you fail twice, you get dismissed from the program, and let me tell you that I have not worked so hard, and struggled so much, and been knocked down to the ground so many times, to just allow them to rip my dream away from me, just like that, over one fucking grade. Hell no. I cried, and I cried, and I doubted myself for a few minutes. I was embarrassed, and felt like the other students weren’t surprised, since I was like the only one who had children and worked at the same time. I was also one of the only three that didn’t make it, and there were about thirty or more in that class. Something like that. And so, I ran to my car and cried so much. I looked up to the sky and said, ” Am I not trying hard enough ? Is this not for me God? I know it is, I can feel it, it’s all I know God, why me? Please tell me you’re still with me God!”. I felt hopeless for a few minutes, I began to question my intelligence, and effort. I then I fell asleep, but when I woke up, I said, “Fuck that! I’m taking it again, and not only will I pass, but I will kill it. I don’t care what I have to do, I’ll go even harder“. I still remember my daughters crying, and my youngest one looked at me and she said, “ But mommy ? What if you don’t pass ? How will we ever move from here mommy? How will you become a nurse?”. My daughters want my dream just as much as I do, because it’s our dream, and so, she was afraid that I wouldn’t make it, and that our dreams would be shattered. So I looked at her, and told her, “I will pass baby, watch.“, and she responded, “But what if you don’t mommy…“. Her tears were falling down her pretty soft cheeks, she was facing the ground, and my other daughter next to her crying as well. SO fucking heart breaking. My own children began to doubt me. I had to prove it to them, for real, for real. I need them to know that I got us, and to show them how to get back up when you fall hard like that. And so, after wiping my tears, I put on a serious face, I lifted her chin, and told both of them to look at me, “ I am going to pass. I promise you guys, not only will I pass, but I will get the highest grade in the class baby, I promise you, mommy can and will do it. I will show you how to never give up. No one is going to take this from us. I was born to be a nurse, I want this, I need this, we need this, and I’m going to make it happen. I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.” Since I didn’t pass the exam, the class was graded as a failure although I had a A minus average in the class, you get a failing grade if you don’t pass the national ATI exam at the end of the semester, and so I had to retake the entire course again, and at the same time, retake that national exam. I obviously had to wait for the following semester, which was the fall you. Now, let me tell you, that I started studying the week after. I broke down crying and I told God that I will prove to him that I will work harder if he could please not take this from me. I knew what I didn’t study very well, or what I wasn’t to confident in, my weaker, or less effort put areas, but I still studied everything, hard. I studied that damn fundamentals ATI book every single damn day, from the first page, to the last, all summer, that when I started the course all over again, I knew so much, everything was just a repeat, and in fact, my professors would call on me and ask me questions if they weren’t sure about something, because they were confident that I knew, and even through that, I would continue to study. I made sure to know my shit. The end of the semester arrived and I was scheduled to take my ATI, and although I was confident, walking in there felt like I was walking into a death match. I was so nervous, I was so afraid knowing that if I did not pass, that they would dismiss me from the program, and everything that I have been going through for the past several years, to get to where I was then, which was only a year and a half ago, would all be for nothing. All I fight for, my biggest dream, would come crashing down, instantly, upon reading another failing score, which was a under a 50% National Percentile Ranking. You need at least a 50% NPR, in order to continue. That means that you need to score better than 50% of others taking, or that took that exam, nationally. Man, not again I thought to myself. I couldn’t even live with the thought. And so, I started talking to myself, and I told myself that I know too much to not pass. I was taking deep breath’s, I had headphones on, and I wrote on scrap paper you got this, you will become a nurse. I knew that many didn’t think, or expect that I would pass. I know many still doubted me, even if they didn’t mean to. I am used to being often (if either openly, or secretly) judged and doubted because of the fact that I am a mother and everything else that I have going on. I’ve been stigmatized all of my life. I am always the only one, or one of two or three in my class to have children, or to be a single mother, unmarried, without a partner at home. I know that many today are still waiting for my downfall, I know, but with the passion, drive, and heart that I have, they’re going to wait forever. I was the last one in that room, when the professor proctoring the exam approached me to tell me that I only have three minutes left, to try to hurry. My heart was racing, my head felt like it was spinning, I was looking at the clock and at the same time looking at all the other students waiting outside the door, celebrating there results, and probably waiting to see if I passed or not at the same time. I was still trying to complete about seven questions that I had left, and then suddenly, I ran out of time and the exam closed. The score began to generate and I immediately closed my eyes. I was so nervous, I was so scared, it was a moment of truth. My whole damn future on the line. I almost didn’t want to raise my head. Since I didn’t finish a few questions, I felt like I had definitely failed, on top of being the last one in there again, but when I looked up all I seen were 90’s and 100’s laid out across the screen with a NPR result of a 98% , a fucking 98% national percentile ranking, meaning that I scored in the top 2%. Man….. I’m in tears right now just reminiscing about it. You guys don’t even know how I felt. That’s the moment I knew that God is watching, that I definitely have what it takes, and that no matter what, if I believe and put my all into it, even if it means going broke, even if it means going hungry, even if it means losing friends, and family, and relationships, even if it means being lonely,
I will live my dreams.
After that man….I felt unstoppable, untouchable, invincible, unbreakable, unshakable….Can’t nobody tell me anything anymore, can’t nobody scare me, can’t nobody hurt me, can’t no one tell me I can’t do something. My heart now beats so damn hard, it reminds me that I am alive, and that this capable and conquering heart that I carry is mine, that every feeling needed to persevere, I possess, and not only do I possess it, but it’s intensified because that is how big and massively strong my heart is. That is what I believe. That is how passionate, I am. I don’t allow myself to be influenced by those around me. Not a family member, not a friend, not a teacher, not the president, not the house of representatives, not a man, not a hater, not even those evil spirits that sometimes choose to come and fill my head with negativity,… it can be the whole world, and I will still prevail, I will still believe, I will still rise, I will still fight, I’ll be the last one standing. I’m a fucking champion. I will still pursue, what I believe that I can pursue, whatever dream and goal I have, regardless of what anyone in the world says. I don’t care if you all tried, and couldn’t, I can make happen, whatever I believe I can make happen, and if I die before , if 10 years, 30, 60 years pass and I did not accomplish all I claim to, know that I never stopped fighting, or believing, and I rather think like this, and be this confident and faithful, than to settle and live everyday of my life, limited, restrained, hopeless, faithless, feeling and speaking negative about myself, or others, window shopping all my life, wishing and wishing, waiting for my time to come, nah man.
For each it’s own, but that’s the type of shit I’m on.
I’m a natural born winner, I have to at least try, at least fight… I can’t live with the curiosity all of my life, I can’t be alive and not live. That’s like being brain dead and man,..honestly, I rather be dead. I told ya’ll that I’m going to become rich or die trying. I have so many other goals, and dreams that I want to pursue, but even if I ever hit the point where I don’t have to work as a nurse, I will still work as a nurse, because I do it for the love of nursing, not for the money. I have an inborn passion for nursing, for caring for others. It’s a part of my nature. I still fall many times, but it’s all good. I love it. I love the challenge. I like to prove myself wrong. I feel like Popeye, every single challenge that I encounter, is Spinach, and makes my muscles grow instantly. Even if I don’t quite succeed, I will still get something out of it, I promise you that much, even if it’s motivation.
I’ve been knocked down so many times, and I still get back up. I still fear with every exam that I won’t get that minimum 74 average to pass ( this is on the lecture exams), or that 50% NPR at the end of every semester. I have 3 semesters left, and that includes the one starting this fall, so about a year and change left, and it still seems so far away, like I’ll never make it, but I’m still reaching. I don’t let time intimidate me. Many are intimidated by time, they won’t go to school because they say that “ it takes so long”. They simply don’t want it that bad. That’s what how I look at it. I’ve been in college for 6 -7 years already. I never let time stop me. I rather work myself up to my dreams, than to take a ride up on the never land path. My apartment is either very clean, or very fucking messy. Same with my car. You’ll either hear from me a lot, or you’ll go a while not hearing from me. My fridge is either very full, or very empty, and it ain’t that I can’t afford food, because thank God I’m good financially ( for now aha) , but sometimes I just don’t got the energy, or time to go food shopping. Sometimes I can’t see my kids because they’re with my mom for a few days while I study or work my doubles. I either got a lot of money (well it’s a lot to me aha) , like either a couple thousand, or I’m broke as fuck. Lately though, after going broke to the point where I starved, I said I’d never go back there so I did so many doubles and stacked up, I paid shit off in advance, and my credit cards , and so my credit score is good now , and I’m financially stabled , but again, I can never be too comfortable, because when it rains, it pours!!! I’m pretty much always alone, sometimes I feel very lonely, I’m very emotional, I’m never understood, I have my fits, I lose my patience with things and people that interrupt me, I get real burnt out and stressed and sometimes depressed. So I also go through it psychologically. It’s not easy, you know..also, I still get hated on by many. I just don’t understand why. I’m so good to everyone. I can see it in their eyes, even those that claim they love me, or that tell me congratulations, or that they look up to me, I see the jealousy, the doubt, the hate in some of their eyes. I can tell the difference between those who truly support me and wish well for others in general, just like I do, and the envious ones. Yeah, I’ve came from nothing, yes, I became pregnant at 14 and a mom at 15, yes I had no mom at the time, yes went to jail, yes I sold drugs, crack/cocaine, yes I lost my child for about a year, yes I went homeless etc., and I’m not justifying any of that behavior, but I’m older now, I’ve paid my dues,..why can’t I want better for myself, what do I have to do with you. Why can’t I be someone. Why can’t ya’ll just be happy for me, or not feel for me at all, instead of anticipating my failure, and doing shit to try to ruin my life, like writing letters to HR and shit, telling them I violated HIPAA, yeah, I remember. That got nowhere because they know me, and my passion for nursing and my love and respect for my patients. Why can’t ya’ll just accept that I refuse to be a damn loser, that I refuse to settle, that I refuse to believe that my life is over. Why don’t ya’ll come talk to me, so we can uplift each other, forgive each other, support each other. Man… I don’t even understand why God blesses me the way he does, but that’s for him to decide, not you, or me. I’m in Gods hands, not your’s, and so are you, so call out to him or whoever , and get on it because you got it in you, too. God sees the work I put in, the love I share, and that’s all I ask from him. I’ll do the rest. I’ve also been told by many, that they expected me to be cocky or think I’m too good because of all I have today, or how far I’ve come, but then they see I’m actually not , that I remain humble, and love able , and kind, and that I’m actually “the sweetest, a sweetheart”. That’s me, and how I want to be remembered. Another thing, I alwaysssss want to learn something new. I never think I know enough, or everything, because I don’t and never will. People hate me for being me and it’s messed up. I sense the hostility towards me, and I don’t understand why. If I did anything to you, or if I did something in the past, I’m sorry, truly. I mean it, every single one of you from my past. Shit, I even miss some of ya, but it’s cool, just stay away. I don’t involve myself in any drama, I don’t gossip, nah. I don’t even have time , literally. I’m too focused on making my dreams come true, on chasing my goals. On providing a better life for myself, and loved ones. If you threaten to leave, I’ll let you, I’ll say goodbye easily. I’m great at goodbyes. It may hurt, and a lot, but I can’t be held back. I need this. If I slow down, I’m afraid I’ll be sucked in by evil, and my daughters are counting on me. My patients are counting on me. My father, my mother, my siblings, those that love me and seen me come from nothing. God is counting on me. My angels. I’m not afraid to embrace my heart, and my true feelings, and voice anymore. Call me whatever you want, a dumb ass, delusional, crazy, soft, a sucker, ugly, a hoe, I work like a “guat” , desperate,…. I don’t give a fuck. You can’t phase me, and I can not be stopped. I still want the best for you. I still love everyone. I’ll always show everyone love, regardless, no matter if you got more than me, or less than me, no matter if you’re disabled or not, no matter if you’re a housekeeper, or a doctor, I show everyone love, I talk to everyone, even if ya’ll laugh at me. I know many laugh, but it’s cool though, I can’t control them, and they’re opinions about me can never cause me to stumble.
Like I said, I’m in Gods hands, not yours.
Let me be me.
A young single mom trying to become somebody, that’s all I want.
If you’re still with me, thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate you, and the time you have invested in my writing. If you are already an example, or an inspiration, and successful, or happy and content in life, thank you so much, because of people like you, is part of the reason I am who I am today. I hope you enjoyed learning about me, or that I inspired you, and I hope you crush that nursing degree , or whatever it is that you dream of.
IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!!!!!
Peace, love, and success 😉 ,