Before today, I was the kind of girl that would continue to hold a place for you in my heart regardless of what you did to me, regardless if or how you hurt me or treated me, no matter if you so easily didn’t even acknowledge my presence on this earth anymore, no matter if you so easily threw me out as if I was your trash. I used to tell myself and believe that simply letting go of someone who I claimed to love, or someone that meant so much to me, or someone that I cared for so much, or someone that I trusted, or someone that I have known for so long, or someone I shared so much of time with–I used to believe that letting go of them would discredit the love that I claim to offer, or that it made me the better person for staying regardless because I believed it proved my loyalty and therefore made me more important. I believed eventually it would matter to them and that they’d finally prioritize me. I used to believe that it validated the purity of my heart, and I used to measure my worth based on there appreciation, or recognition, or belief of me– but not anymore.
As of today, I’ve leveled up my train of thought. I am not saying that I want to change who and how I am, or that I’m a good girl gone bad, or that I view my worth anything under than who I truly am. Nah. What I am saying is that I will stop attaching myself to the thought that letting someone out of my heart or dismissing them out of my life and mind invalidates my heart, who I stand for, or my love for them.
I may continue to love you forever, or I may not, but either way,
trust that I can and will say GOODBYE.
My goodbye means I forgive you, I genuinely don’t wish bad upon you, and I’m genuinely going to stop hoping for you to return or realize that how you hurt me was really painful and wrong.
Goodbye means that I am wise and that I realize that I am so strong, so grown, and so elite, that I am able to dismiss anything and anyone that strikes at my soul, and still be the goodhearted woman that I am today.
Goodbye means that your actions define who you are, not who I am, and that I value myself so much, that not even the smallest bit of anything existent will allow your thought of me make me feel less of myself, or make me regret, or make me angry at myself for the way I respond to the hurt that others cause me.
Goodbye means that I will not hide or lie about the way that I’m feeling right now, and that I realize I am so real and will remain real until the day that I die and beyond, and that I am so fucking proud of being this way.
Goodbye means that I have no desire for you to know that this is how I’m really feeling or for you to know that I am not crying for you or feel the way I told you I felt the last time we spoke. Not even an ounce of a desire do I have for you to know that I am not stressing over you. Think what you want.
Goodbye means that I will not consciously hold on to any memories, or fantasies, or any thoughts of you at all—naturally, because I said goodbye and goodbye means that I am emotionally, and spiritually, and mentally, moving on from you and that does not mean I am angry, or in denial, or that I’m holding grudges or that my heart is tamed. It simply means goodbye.
Goodbye means that even if my mind decides to play games with me and sends me thoughts of us while I’m in the shower, or if it randomly picks up on spontaneous items or instances that remind me of you or us—that does not mean that I don’t mean what I am saying right now, that I still want you, or that I still have even a slight bit of want, hope, or desire for your return or acknowledgement, because I don’t. It simply means that my heart is still pumping.
Goodbye means that I am so damn confident in who I am today, that I’m currently writing (reading/saying) with my head held so high, sitting with back straight and not slouched, and my nice ass is still poking out as I proudly say that I am writing this post for me, and not for you.
Goodbye means that I’ve finally acknowledged that I for sure am willing and able to cut off any lose ends after thinking and believing for so long that I couldn’t because I was low key putting you before me and finding more worth in you than I did in me, and I was still holding on to needing your acknowledgement in order for me to feel highly about myself. It means that I am the fucking boss, that I call the fucking shots, and that I don’t need to bring you down or alter my heart or the way that I love or the way that life chooses to test me, nor do I need you to ever regret or realize how you hurt me for closure, because this I’ve found it on my own.
Goodbye means that I will not wait and hope for my dreams to come true or for you to see me stunting in my BMW M235 Gran Coupe so that you can notice and regret me because the need or desire for your acknowledgment, acceptance, praise, or attention, is a part of what I am saying goodbye to.
Goodbye means that I will not talk down on you, or tense up, or feel anything less than the boss queen that I am whenever your name pops up, or whenever I’m asked about you, or if I ever bump into you, because in some shape or form that would be an impact from your end on to mine and when I say goodbye, I mean goodbye to you and anything relative to you that causes an alteration in my mood or thoughts.
Goodbye means that I will not discredit the good in you, nor feel ashamed about pouring my heart out to the world about you, nor will I take back all the nice things that I said and thought about you because for one, if I said it, I really meant it, but especially because doing so would alter my history with you and it’s through history that my future will evolve, and as a woman, and as a power, I recognize that I am evolving so damn stupendously, it’s almost too good to be true, and in conjunction, I’ll embrace my elevation because it’s what I always knew and couldn’t wait to do —elevate and continue to elevate so high up, I’ll soon become a fucking emperor.
Goodbye means that if I can be this capable, and willing, and wise to even realize this and feel nothing less than blessed, than so can my daughters, so can any of my girls, and so can anyone else.
Goodbye confirms that nothing can break me, and that I’m in charge of who and what I allow in my life, and therefore, I also choose who or what I let out, and once more…., doing so does not shrink or alter the size or potential of my heart, and instead– it signifies how much more of a potent soul and person I can be.
Goodbye means that it’s hello to a fresh train of thought and even better, a big ass hello to the hell of a successful, beautiful, shot-calling, admirable woman and mother that I am very shortly to become. Well— I kind of already am, but it’s time to take it up a notch.
It’s time to level all the way up.
Goodbye and hello to my bright, bright future.