I Used To Pray For The Things That I Have Now !

Am I winner, or am I a loser? That’s the question life throws at me every single day. I’ll tell you right now, hell nah I ain’t a loser, but I’d be lying if I told you I don’t sometimes feel like one, because I sometimes do. I feel like a loser whenever I feel I’m losing it, and as positive as I try to remain, sometimes, I just can’t.

It can truly feel so unbearable at times. I give my best at everything and still, it get’s the best of me instead. I catch up on my bills, just to get behind. My pay check is gone before I even get it. My credit score jumps high, just to fall behind again. I clean and reorganize my apartment, just for it to look like the after math of a hurricane the next day. I work double shifts, just to cover a negative balance. I study my ass off for an exam, just to have to retake it. I fill up my fridge, just for it to be empty three days after. Like damn. How is this moving forward? I feel stuck. Like I’m on a tread mill putting in work, just to stay in the same place. I give, just to get nothing in return. Like a fucking maze that I just can’t seem to find my way out of. A cycle in which I fall, recover, improve, and elevate, all right before hitting rock bottom again. Like, fuck. It’s too much. It makes me break down and cry. I fucking cry my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Eyes swollen and everything. Agitated as hell because no matter how much try, I just can’t keep up, and it fucks me up! It scares me. Being completely aware of my emotions, I start to fear. I start to fear that one day I might not persevere. I fear that I won’t finish nursing school, or that I’ll never live my dreams. I ask myself, ” Can I do this?”.

At the moment I’m in complete spiritual distress, but then I remember where I came from. I used to be broke, motherless, pregnant, homeless, a drop out, scared and on my own, all at the age of fourteen years old. I wasn’t expected to make it this far. I wasn’t expected to make it at all. It’s rare to see someone in the position I was in at such a young age, level up to the level I leveled up to. But I made the damn thing happen! I should be wiser than to doubt myself. And I shouldn’t be afraid of failing ! Failure is one of my greatest motivators! All the times I had to retake a course, after going through the most, those times were some of my most defining moments! They helped reveal and discover how much more I had in me. I learned then that failure can either break you or make you. You’ll either give up, or get up. If you really love something, if you really want something, you will fight for it, because I did. I want to become a nurse so damn bad, I was determined to go harder, and I did! I turned a 47 % average into a 98% average! I was so proud of myself. I got a strong sense of reassurance from receiving that A, I knew for sure that I have what it takes, and that this is for me! I went from feeling it was impossible to give more, to completely astonishing myself. I exceeded my own damn expectations, so I should know better than anyone else in the world that I’m far from a loser! I go through some shit, but I be on my shit ! Every year I’m in a better position in life. Just because I feel stuck, doesn’t mean that I am stuck. Just because I cry, it doesn’t mean I’m weak. Achieving success is not supposed to be easy and every difficulty I encounter can only make me stronger!

Next time I find myself getting overwhelmed, instead of thinking about how quickly I ran out of food, I’ll be grateful that I’m able to buy more! I’m grateful to have a home, a job, to be able to pay off my bills, to be in nursing school, to have a car, for my health, for my children, and for GOD!

I used to pray for the things I have now, and I better not forget it!

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