Hear me out,
I have this thing where I continue to believe in the good of others, despite of them showing the complete opposite. Time and time again they’ll either hurt me again, take me for granted again, or make me the face of ridicule again, but yet, I still tell myself, “maybe this time it’ll be different”. I make myself believe that maybe this time around, they’ll finally listen to me, or to my heart , and maybe also appreciate me or my intentions. It sucks. And especially when it comes to those I truly care about, because damn, trust me when I say that I am not the type of girl to chase after someone because of reasons like needing their attention, or love , or anything at all. I love myself enough. If I continue to give them chances, it’s simply because I see a better version of them, a kinder version, a more understanding, open-minded, humble and from the heart version of them, that I whole mightily truly believe in. Key word, believe. I believe that eventually we’ll see eye to eye and I dont know– get along maybe, understand each other, forgive, love, unite, or even if it’s simply moving on from whatever it was that held us back to begin with. I don’t know if I’m making sense but what I’m trying to say is that I understand we are all human, and no matter who or what you think you are or what you think you did, I won’t use it against you, stigmatize you, hold it against you, or define you because of it. I hoped all my life for people to see the potential in me, in spite of all of my fuck ups, so I know how it is. I feel you, and that’s why I couldn’t hold it against you if I tried. If anything, I forgive you, empathize with you, and see way more potential in you. I can see you for who I know you can be or become, instead of for who you are at this very moment, if needed. It’s just the type of woman and human I am today. I’ve just reached a stage in my life in which I just want to be on good terms and happy and love everyone. I want to see everyone else do the same with everyone around them, also. I just want to support and be happy for everyone. And I do, do that. Well at least I think I do. Those are my intentions always. Anyone who knows me today can hopefully agree. And I know I may sound corny, or whatever else you guys will call me..either dumb, too nice etc. But I don’t care. It’s the truth and I’m proud of my self for sharing my heart with others. For real. Again, if I loved you before, I still love you. If I have ever done anything that hurt you, I’m so sorry. If you have any unanswered questions in your heart or mind about me, ask me. Let’s talk about it. If I ever came off cocky, or rude, or anything that’s not kind or humble, know that was a reflection of my pettiness and not yours. I’ve learned to take full accountably for my actions. After all, I am human so I’m bound to act like it. But hopefully I haven’t, but if I ever have, again, trust that those were not my intentions. I seriously aim to be respectful and kind and helpful to every and anyone. Literally, everyone. I want everything to be okay for everyone. I don’t like to see anyone hurt, and I’d heal and help every single body in the world if I could. Even over myself, to be honest. God knows I mean it. It’s who I want to be. Who I want to exemplify. A lover. An eternal optimist. This is naturally and genuinely who I’ve grown to be thus far, and I am damn proud of it by the way. Life has been so bright for me, even in spite of all the darkness. I’ve been treated with much respect and love and support, from so many people from all over the world, and in many different instances. And it continues to happen. No matter how hurt I feel, ultimately, I gotta admit that I heal through others. My patients, my friends, my family, my co workers, random nice people at the market, my professors, random people on social media… every single nice comment, and wish, and kind approach towards me and/or my children, is very much appreciated by me. I say that from the bottom of my heart. I know that you don’t have to be nice to me, and that you don’t have to use up a minute of your time for me, but you do. So I appreciate it. I truly feel that as I give my heart to the world, the world gives it right back to me. For that I will always be grateful. I will never take anyones kindness and time for granted. I’ll appreciate though. A woman who doesn’t ask for much, but appreciates literally everything–that’s who I am. So if you’ve been good to me, if you’ve held a door for me, thank you. Truly. But, as I continue to move forward and continue to evolve and find myself, I must admit there’s a part of me that feels as if the people I love should be moving forward with me, as well. At least mentally. That’s why someone I care about that hasn’t spoken to me in years for example, due to naive disputes for example, that’s why I’ll hope for them to feel the same way I feel today and thus, I don’t know– make amends with me. We can talk it out, laugh about it, unite or keep our own separate paths, but I’d love for us to at least move on from any grudges, misconceptions, or any weight at all. Or another example, someone like my kids father. He don’t believe me but I would never want anything to happen to him. I genuinely care about him and want to see him do well. I’ll never even allow anyone to disrespect him, because that’ll be disrespecting my kids, and that’s disrespecting me. If he’s happy, my kids are happy, and if my kids are happy, I’m happy ! Of course I havn’t always been the nicest to him. I’ve told him mean things and disrespected him and you know–said many things out of anger. I’ve literally hit him before, and that wasn’t cool either. No matter what. Two wrongs don’t make it right. But that was the old me. It’s not in me anymore. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be, and it’s not the example I want to set for my daughters or for any of the other young girls that look up to me. I have literally grew out of many toxic and immature ways, but he just wont accept it. If I reply calmly to something he didn’t expect me to reply calmly to, he’ll think I’m being sarcastic or fake or he’ll accuse me of thinking I’m better than him. I’ve told him a million times that he doesn’t need to disrespect me or treat me how he does and how I won’t tolerate the disrespect or any form of abuse anymore. He’ll say something like, “Cut the shit. Like you don’t do it”. And its like– NO, I DON’T ! I put it on everything I love, I don’t disrespect him or think I’m better than him, because I am not. I can’t even use big fancy words because he accuses me of being sarcastic or of thinking ” I’m the shit”. He says he knows me and that “he knows the real me”. But no… he doesn’t, and it hurts. It hurts me that he won’t let me grow, or believe, or accept who I am today….In the woman I have been for the past year, at least. I feel like every year I am a better version of me, as I aim to be a better woman everyday anyway. But yeah, it upsets me when he says that. It upsets me because it’s just so damn unfortunate. Just because we are not together, or just because I may not be in love with you anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t got love for you. I still care about you. I’m trying to be the best mother for your daughter but to you, I am still the girl from before. A nobody. I still believe one day you’ll realize otherwise though.
I don’t know. I guess I just wish people could see things from my perspective sometimes. Especially when they’re well intended. Especially when they come from a judgement free place where everyone can feel safe and confident and secure and loved and understood and supported. That’s the time I’m on. But I realize the world doesn’t work that way. I know, I know. I also realize that no matter what I say or do, I can’t force anyone to think how I think, to believe in what I do, or to feel what I do, to want what I do and especially, to change their way of being towards me or others or towards themselves. People learn, heal, and grow at their own pace. I can love them and everyone else hard, and that still won’t make them love me back. I realize that I give way more than I’ll ever get back and that’s just something I will have to learn to live with. Proudly though. I am proud to be able to create an environment in which anyone can feel safe to come to me or to open up to me, or just vibe with me, you know… For the love of humanity. I don’t know. That’s just me though. I want to be a magnet of love, kindness, positivity, etc. Not the opposite. I want to make positive impacts and be remembered this way. It matters to me, to the world, to God..I don’t know. I don’t know if ya’ll get me, but I do. I get and I got myself first! Like I said, that’s the time I’m on today and everyday. I’ll bring you up high with me before leaving you behind. That’s what I’m about. You’re either with me or against me, I guess, but I’m always willing to be with you. And I mean that with the upmost humility. Call me whatever but I’m staying true to who I am. You appreciate my friendship, my love, my heart, my time–or not– I’ll still be able to provide it, when needed, especially. Because that’s the woman I am today. The woman I’ve grown into thus far. It’s all love on this side of town! So yeah, y’all choose who you want to be, but I know who I want to be and I’m being me right now. And for those that can’t find it in their heart to be kind, to forgive, to move on, etc. Like I said, if I loved you before, I still love you….know that..but stay away from me though. I’ll love you from a distance because I just can’t have that negativity around me.
I can’t afford it.
Growing up, I went from negative to positive, and I’m good where I am !
Peace and love to all.